I Think Therefore I Write

Exciting news about an amazing product. I queued up all bloody night to become one of the first proud owners of the eagerly anticipated ePen™. Writing has always been an erroneous task, but now every thought you think can be intuitively turbocharged, enabling metaphors, alliteration and onomatopoeia to click into place like components on a computerised production line. Expect to hear much more of the young designer – Lucas Kalitowski – one of our most exciting up-and-coming whizz-kids. For you technical buffs out there, the specification for this next-generation electric pen comprises of a 40mm ball-point facility with a gravity-fed ink jet nozzle backed by an ACCELERATED SMART READER™ that can process 30,000 characters per minute. This is linked to a gyroscopic nano-enabler that centrifuges the roaming cursor. These elements constitute the motor-sensory cortexes of the artificial intelligence, and a nice touch is the crenulated Sellotape transposable sheath that attaches it to the LEGO single-roller mounted turntable. This is key to the incredible dexterity because it triggers the fly-by-wire motion sensors and enables rapid sentence and paragraph roll-out. The rechargeable power pack with latent energy surge control is extra. In off-mode, the writing head rests on a patented CALMING RAMP® which contains the sequencers that generate the biorhythms. It takes a bit of getting used to, but once you have programmed-in your imagination, you just have to think and it writes: novels, annual reports, film scripts, haikus, diaries – you name it. A comprehensive portfolio of post-production editing software is available, and we would love to publish your reviews on 66,000 – positive or negative.

Tom

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